WITH GOD AND GUTS
9:27 AM
"I think the strongest prayer I've ever prayed is a single phrase I declared with great honesty: Lord, I have no idea what You're doing, but I trust you."
It's been a while since my last blog and I must say, yes, for the past few weeks I've been a bit busy. And I know that in a few days or so, I'll get even busier. I figured I'd rather be busy and learn new things than just live the bum life till I don't know when. Do something now, I thought to myself. Oh, what a pleasure would it be to live a life just sleeping any time I'd want and waking up at any hour of the day. How awesome would it be to just stop myself from worrying about anything. I have to admit that it has been really great after graduation, you know, you get to have a break from all the demands of the college life. But then, after a few weeks or months of endless relaxing, partying and doing all the necessary personal comforts I've always wanted to do, the most crucial question comes to my mind: WHAT NOW?
You know what I mean, like what happens next after all this? Is this routine going to be my routine for the rest of my life? Cause as of the moment, I'm still waiting for my board exam results which I recently took last May. And if I passed that exam or not, I would forever be grateful but I still don't see myself working at hospitals anytime soon. I don't exactly know why but I feel that I want to serve others in a different way, in a different type of service. I've always wanted to be a fashion designer or a stylist ever since but my parents aren't that supportive of that choice yet. You might say that I should go after what I really want but believe me, if I had my way, I might have a shot at it but I'd only end up making a mess again and worse, break their hearts again. But lately, as time passed and my way of thinking has changed or I'd like to think that it has, I realized that I have and will always be in love with fashion and doing anything that is related to it, but I have also come to learn that it's a want and not a need. I remember this kind of logic whenever my parents would give me allowance to buy a new pair of jeans for school. They trust that I'm responsible enough that to buy it with what was expected of me to buy. But then when you get to the malls, a pair of really pretty shorts in your favorite brand just really gets your attention. Oh, there it goes. That moment of temptation, that moment when you sometimes confuse the things you need with the things you just want. I feel like I'm in that phase last week.
So, to not lengthen this blog post any longer than it already is, I got into law school. Perhaps this could just be the start of my craziest decisions for the year 2014. So with a lot of encouragement from those psychos I call my friends, an ever-supportive boyfriend, and with a lot of push most especially from my Dad who, I think, has always wanted one of his children who would follow in his footsteps one day. I know, as crazy as it seems, feeling ko ako ang susunod sa kanya! Omg!
OMG NO. Hey, I kid. I don't think I'll ever be that good, no bias intended. This was a very last-minute decision. I was only 60% convinced that I was going to really take up this course for real. But then, a miracle happened, I got in. Lol. So here I go, armed with my weird sense of humor and trying-to-be-brave heart. This could just be the best and worst decision I've ever made in my life. The thing is, I'd get to learn a lot of new things, meet new people, experience the life of a student in graduate school. So, either way, it's a win-win. Who knows, right?
So, another thing is that this week, I reached a new level of okayness, realizing with gratitude and relief that the Lord holds the future, and I do not. It's a simple fact really. It's just really settling in right now and I'm also realizing how true it is. This new okay is a hopeful okay, an okay that acknowledges that I have absolutely no idea what is happening right now, but that really is okay. Okay? Okay. Okay, too much TFIOS feels again, huh? Wow, that's six okays. Okay.
Kidding aside, so I'm making peace with this weird life phase, this in-between, this middle. Because when nothing makes sense, I can still hold on to the fact that He understands the mess. I recently read an article and to me, it's very beautiful. It says, "Life is not all weddings and Christmas mornings and new babies. It's the Mondays and the e-mails and the awkward silences too. I want to be present for all of it, the boring and the magical and the everything in between."
Regardless of what the future may hold, I say we should live in the present always and that's probably one of the greatest lessons this month of reckless decisions taught me. But hey, maybe reckless has its perks too. Time is too precious to just sit around and do nothing. Even if tomorrow still seems unsure, you should have that hope in you that it's all going to be okay. With God and guts, I believe you can do anything. And maybe one day, just maybe, you get to do things you've never expected you'd be able to do.
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